Wilder Rant: Fancy Food Nation

Wilder rant alert, people. I merely tried to cook dinner. It didn’t go well. I wish I had a nice red wine to wash the taste of failure from my mouth, but alas…I do not. Ice cold green tea will have to suffice. There is nothing, absolutely nothing more awkward than messing up a recipe with the words “fool proof” in the title. I mean, it hurts almost as bad as having emotionally unavailable parents. I bet they’d love me if I could properly pan sear sea scallops, but I digress. This self-confidence shattering experience has brought me to the topic of this Wilder rant. When did cooking become so flipping pretentious? Has it always been this way? It is possible that it has. I will contend the advent of social media and blogging has opened the door for people with the most amazing boiled water recipe to think they are master chefs. I have seen identical banana nut bread recipes, but one of them is haughty enough to declare their recipe the best.

This is the kind of tomfoolery that rules the internet.

I bought into the hype, folks. I started looking up recipes to make things I’d been making successfully for years. I can barely recount the number of times I have run across recipes that claim to be the best!!! The hyperbole is nauseating. Let’s get something straight, people: there is no way to fancy up meat loaf. It is, essentially, shaped meat.

There are only a few ingredients for a reason. It is supposed to be simple. It will never be cosmopolitan, just like adding Crème Fraiche to scrambled eggs is essentially adding dairy to your eggs and doesn’t give your breakfast protein magic powers. They are certainly not the “perfect” scrambled egg. You know what the perfect scrambled egg is? The perfect scrambled egg is the way an individual prefers them. If a person likes their scrambled eggs so dry they look like scrambled corn flakes, then that, my friend, is the perfect way to eat them for that individual. Conversely, if a person likes them so runny they look like a symptom of some sort of plague… then you guessed it; those are perfect eggs for that runny egg enthusiast.

Believe me, I am not here to disparage fancy food or the people that specialize in preparing such food items. I understand the appeal; we go to nice restaurants for the professionalism and the quality of the food. What would the world be without these professionals that so painstakingly whip up exotic food to make our dining experience special? We need these people, just as we need the people that utilize a one pot recipe on a busy weeknight. All I want is for people to cook healthy and nutritious food every day. Won't it be nice to avoid the existential crisis if it does not look like the professionals? After all, I still ate those somewhat pan seared sea scallops. They may not have looked pretty enough to be on the front of a cooking magazine, but I enjoyed them immensely.

So, this is what I did for dinner. I made a shrimp scampi. I am sure the food snobs of the internet would say my meal isn’t plated artfully enough, is not authentic Italian, and the list of potential complaints goes on indefinitely. Was it the perfect meal by the standards of Gordon Ramsey? Probably not. Was it tasty, filling, and a blessing that I can afford to eat shellfish? You damned Skippy. Here is how I made a meal that did not have me questioning my own self-worth and filled my stomach with goodness.

Wilder Shrimp Scampi:

Ingredients:

• I bag of shrimp thawed overnight in the refrigerator.
• Garlic (to your liking)
• Angel hair Pasta
• Butter
• Olive Oil
• Garlic Salt
• Pepper
• Optional( parsley, spinach, lemon wedges)

Cook the garlic prior to putting the thawed shrimp into the pan. Once the garlic becomes fragrant slowly add the shrimp being careful not to over cook. Boil the Angel Hair pasta to your liking simultaneously. Once pasta is done, add to the butter, garlic, and shrimp mixture. Toss and top with either parsley or spinach or parmesan cheese for flavor. Enjoy!

-Bird Wilder