I am not a king, a President or the head of a huge organization of any sort. I am a plain person who is just trying to live my life from one day to the next. I am not fancy and do not require special preparations. I am just ME, a regular New York City male.
That being said, I require no special treatment. That includes my meals. I like the simplest of all meals, nothing fancy. If you are a lady and want to win me over, just follow the plan I am going to outline here.
- What do I like for breakfast? Simple. I LOVE oatmeal with some sugar and butter. Mmmmmm! This has been my favorite meal since I was born. Not only is it a great meal for me, it contains something called fiber, an ingredient that helps to fight cancer – Can't go wrong with oatmeal. Just boil some water (no salt, please), throw in the oatmeal, some sugar, butter and pour it into a nice bowl. I am good to go. I can go all day on a nice bowl of oatmeal.
Sometimes, I can't get a keg of Quaker Oats for the food cabinet. I will settle for the packets of the quick oats because you can get them with the fruit supplements and stuff that they include with the packets. Those are fine, too. Sometimes, I might even add some milk with my butter and sugar.
- I also love me some Captain Crunch. Yes, CC has those orange-colored sweet mini squares that only require milk. Delicious! Besides that, the box makes great reading. If you are lucky, like Cracker Jacks, you might even get a prize inside. Just get to the box before anyone else. You wouldn't want anyone putting their dirty hands inside of your cereal box just to fetch a 39 cent prize. If you live alone, does it really matter who gets inside of that box first?
- Not all of my first meals require sugar. Sometimes, I will hop into my war wagon and drive to the nearest food establishment. For legal reasons, I won't say the name of the place, but when I get there, I pull up to the clown's face and order my food. I will order a full breakfast, too. I like to get a McGriddle or two, a couple of hash browns and some OJ (orange juice, not OJ Simpson). I can practically hear my arteries hardening up now. Then, I go to an isolated place and start dining. That brings me to......
- Now, the menu, like my waistline, starts to expand. I am not Italian, but I do love Italian delicacies. I will tend to go to a pizzeria and start on a Sicilian pie. Not the whole pie, but a corner with extra cheese and pepperoni on top. You can't eat that and not wash it down. That is why I will have a root beer, a Sprite, a Mountain Dew soda or an Arizona Sweet Tea. This is my conversation food. That means that I will sit there in the eatery and enjoy some good company while I dine. Already, I'm getting hungry.
- While I am there, I will order three calzones not to be eaten there, but to be taken home and placed in my freezer. That way, I can heat them up for a nice late night snack. If I can't get my calzones, I will accept a pepperoni roll. At $6.25 a pop, my calzones are not cheap. That is why I will get three of them. They may be expensive, but they are worth it.
- Another meal I like is the simplest of them all. I like a buttered bagel or roll with a vanilla egg cream. How can I describe the egg cream? Just picture a root beer soda that looks like milk with a nice head on it. It looks cool and tastes smooth. It goes down nicely and you'd never forget it. That brings us to.........
- Dinner is not much of a challenge for me. I will either go back to the clown's face and order two boxes filled with 20 McNuggets in each box OR I will drive to a place where some guy seems to be a king of all burgers. Whilst there, I will order a "whopper" of a burger. That means that I want the works on top of my burger. I will also order some accoutrements like large fries or onion rings as well in order to fight the forces of hunger.
- Around the corner from the clown's place is the home of a guy who claims to be a military officer. He owns Kansas Fried Chicken. Again, for legal purposes, I will not say the actual name of the place. He offers all sorts of Southern cuisine that is associated with chicken. I have had a healthy sampling of his meal over time. Maybe one day, he will invite us into his establishment so that we can shoot our own chicken.
- If pizza is not available, I have been known to order a nice pizza. The most I will ever do is an extra cheesy one topped with sausage and pepperoni. Wash it down with a Mountain Dew and we are okay.
- Did anyone say cannoli? I hope so. I prefer to getting one (dozen) of them without chocolate anything and washing it down with a nice bottle of a Raspberry Sonoma Sparkler. It is a raspberry apple cider drink that contains no alcohol. Be very careful. They make a peach-flavored cider, too. In fact, if you ignore the label, it looks EXACTLY like a bottle of a Corona Beer. I mention this because if you are very thirsty as you drive home with your Peach Sonoma Sparkler, you don't want the cop in the next lane thinking that you are imbibing on an alcoholic drink while you are trying to get your car home. Definitely not a good idea.
There you go. For the purpose of this article, I did not concentrate on the type of woman who should feed me. I wanted to concentrate on the types of food that I usually like to eat. There are others, but I think that this list is good enough.
So, what time should I get ready for breakfast, lunch or dinner?