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The War on Sauce and Condiments

It's not that bad, right? Wrong.

By Lincoln ShottsPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Food is good. I like food. I like food and that is it. Just food. I like French Fries, not ketchup. I like steak, without A1. I like chicken, without the honey mustard. I like food, but sauces and condiments aren't food, they are graffiti. GRAFFITI I SAY!! Food is food, it’s made for your enjoyment and we do we do? Destroy it and disrespect it with sauces. If sauce was meant to be there, then why not MAKE THAT BURGER COOKED WITH KETCHUP?! If it's not good without sauce, then eat something else. I've fought a war, a war on sauce raging for the last 16 years of my life. If you like ketchup so much then grab a pizza. It’s got tomato sauce on it. On a side note, please don't put ranch on your pizza. Number one, that offends me. Number two, why? They don't even sell ranch at pizza restaurants! Some pizza chef spilled blood, sweat, and tears, while keeping a sanitary kitchen, to make that pizza. I'm sure that the 22-year-old hipster earning minimum wage put a lot of love into that pizza and you step on it by drowning it in “white death,” a.k.a. ranch. I just don't understand people that smother their hot dogs in five layers of sauce then say, “Wow, that’s a good hot dog!” No, THE SAUCE WAS GOOD! That poor pig died for no good reason but to drown in sauce. RIP porky. If people like sauce SO much then don't eat anything, JUST EAT SAUCE!!!

Let's address some counterarguments before we go on. Number one, you may say, “but Lincoln, you eat hot wings almost every day at lunch and your face ends up being so messy, you obviously like them!” This is true, but hot wings are different. There are such things as naked hot wings, if you like, so it's not like you have to choose, and second of all, they are made WITH SAUCE. They got it right. Hamburgers, celery, pizza, and those alike are not MADE with the sauce. If they were made with the sauce, then that would not be disrespectful as that is part of who they are and that is what it is supposed to be. Second, I love syrup. No, syrup is not a sauce. Corn appetizer chips are an exception, because they use dips, not sauces. This the only exception we find, where they are made for dipping. Dipping something into a sauce is different. The texture is different in sauce. “But Lincoln,” you may ask again, “what about salt or pepper or any of that type stuff?” Once again, a great question, you must be really cool, your name is Lincoln isn’t it? Back to your question, that stuff is seasoning. Seasoning is an amplifier to the food, it just exploits the flavor in a way that amplifies it, like plugging a guitar up to a large amplifier, Back to The Future style. When you use sauce, you add a whole different flavor to the mix and you take that guitar and throw it in a drum and still call it a guitar. Something can be mediocre, but you use salt to amplify because the flavor isn't loud enough. The argument is clear. We need to get rid of sauces because some of you drench your stuff in sauce, and I don't know why you're even eating the food in the first place. Just make a ketchup shake and let that solve your craving. Henry Jones once said, “Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup.” Be respectful to foods, don't destroy what they are. Use Heinz-sight and destroy the ketchup and mustard. Keep the Hidden Valley hidden! Be A1 and get rid of the steak sauce. IT’S STEAK; IT'S AMAZING! Whether you call them condiments or sauce, remember this: Food is love, don’t drench love in hate sauce. Thank you.

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About the Creator

Lincoln Shotts

just a teen trying to make it in this world

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