How to Summon a Vanilla Cake

In order to summon your very own vanilla cake, you will need a few supplies first. Some people might call these supplies “sacrifices” or something similarly silly, but these supplies are definitely not sacrifices.

You will need to gather these things in the correct order. If you obtain any supply in the incorrect order, you will be moved backward through space and time and will need to restart. You will need a spoon. Any old spoon will do, just make sure it isn’t made out of obsidian, or any other make-believe rocks. Next, gather some grass from your front yard. After you gather your grass, you will need to get a stuffy nose. If you have a stuffy nose already, just get someone else’s. After you get those things you’ll need a paradox pen. If you don’t have access to a paradox pen, a paradox paperclip would also work for this step, but your cake might be a bit dry. The last thing you will need to summon your cake is a Blackstone ritual sink. Again, make sure it is not made out of any make-believe materials. A good way to know if your sink is made out of fake stone is to turn the left knob 80 degrees to the right. If your sink doesn’t howl at you in agony, it’s a fake!

Once you have gathered all of your materials in the correct order, you can finally start to summon your cake. Go to your ritual sink and put the grass in the drain. Make sure the drain is open first, or your cake will be chocolate instead of vanilla flavored, and it will also be made out of grass. For the second step, write something on the sink with your paradox pen. For this step, it doesn’t really matter what you write, as long as it’s 6-12 characters long, contains at least one number, one lowercase letter, and one capital letter. Special characters are not allowed, and neither are spaces. If you don’t have access to a paradox pen and are using a paradox paperclip, etch in your 18-character credit card number along with the expiration date, CVV code, and the name on the card. Nothing will be charged to your card until a 30-day wait period is up, then your 12-month subscription will start. At that point, a random amount of money will be charged from the card each month, and you will get nothing in return.

The final steps to summoning your cake are difficult for most people, but we’re almost done! Take the supply that we called a “spoon” and put it into your mouth. Bite down on it as hard as you can and put your head into the ritual sink. Now, blow on your nose (or blow on your friend’s nose). Be very careful. If you blow the grass out of the drain during this part of the ritual, you will fail and be sent to the principal’s office.

If the spoon does not break in your mouth while blowing on your nose, congratulations, you did it very wrong and made some rather unsettling creatures very, very unhappy. They will arrive shortly through a portal. If the spoon shatters in your mouth, congratulations! You have successfully summoned a vanilla cake!

Unfortunately, the next couple days will be used for shipping your cake, so do not do anything. The surgeon needs you to be still enough to open up your stomach to put the cake in once it arrives.