How to Make Siiiick Hash Browns

Potatoes are the cruelest root. They’re literally inedible raw. They’re boring as all hell in most preparations. Don’t @ me with your counterpoints: nobody eats mashed potatoes without a gallon of cream cheese in them, stuffed potatoes are just vessels for whatever you’re putting on them, and fries need like duck fat or an entire block of sodium to be palatable. Potatoes suffer from the “rice problem,” which is that a food so incredibly boring on its own that it makes you want to chew on paint chips just to feel something can be elevated to such delicious heights. They are difficult.

“But Anthony,” you are thinking, “what about hash browns? Aren’t those potatoes?” Yes, yes they are. And perhaps the cruelest move in the potato’s book overall is how infuriating it is to get hash browns correct at home. I’ve tried this for literally four years and this morning marked the third time this week (and ever) that I’ve made them successfully. It has been a struggle, with countless soggy potatoes ingested and lots of wasted Saturday-morning excitement.

In between telling the reader how their gluten-free sons are doing, mommy blogs often have pretty good tips on how to make hash browns. The big thing is that you need to do a bunch of prep along the way to make the potatoes edible. One thing a lot of them ask you to do is to pat down the potatoes on a paper towel several hundred times, but I’ve found a way around that. Here is my interpretation and collection of tips.

What You Need:

• Potatoes (however many you want, I usually use three) (it really doesn’t matter what potatoes you use, places that try to tell you the importance of the difference between Yukon and Red are bluffing)
• Paprika (I’m not giving quantities, you’ll know how much you like)
• Pepper
• Salt
• Olive Oil
• A cheese grater
• A big bowl
• A strainer

Directions:

Grate the potatoes with the cheese grater into the bowl. You can leave the skin on, sometimes it makes a good crunch when they’re browned.

Now that all the potato shavings are in the bowl, fill the bowl with VERY COLD WATER. This seems weird, but it’s crucial.

Take a big spoon or spatula or whatever and swish the potato around in the bowl for a little while. The water should be really cloudy. I think that’s the starch!

Now pour the bowl thing into the strainer to get all the water out. You now have potatoes that look a bit less soggy. Take the bottom of the bowl and crush the potatoes in the strainer basket, to squeeze out any more water.

Next step is to do all of that over again! Water in the bowl, swish around, strain, press. Now the potatoes are ready to be fried.

Put the pan on the stove over medium heat and add a generous amount of olive oil. Let it heat up a bit (but not to the point where the oil is cooking) and add the potatoes. Add all your spices and stuff now, and slosh it all together so that everything’s coated in spices and oil.

You have the time to make hash browns from scratch today, so you don’t get the luxury of having a set time to just leave it there. The cooking time varies too much based on quantities of everything to just leave it, and you also need to do some stuff in between. So you’re going to hang in the kitchen, stir them every once in a while, and watch them for a bit

The metamorphosis from soggy strands to hashy browns is a miracle of nature and you should take time to genuflect. At some point (max 15 minutes in) the potatoes will start to stick to the bottom of the pan. Make sure you scrape them off with your spatula, as that’s where a lot of the crunch comes from. Once you see them sticking to the bottom of the pan, ratch the heat up to medium high for the home stretch. Keep cooking until most everything is browned on the outside.

And there you go. Add whatever you want to it; eggs are always good. Drown it in ketchup if you’re a millennial who’s had their taste buds destroyed by candy. Please enjoy and remember... Potatoes Can Be Good.