#brokebitchmeals

Step 1: Be incredibly broke, even if you feel like you’re living within your means. Even if you’re not broke, pretend you are. Hook up your freezer. Stock pile your pantry with canned goods and ingredients every time you hit the grocery store like a massive crisis is going to rock everyone’s shit any second and you’ll be happy you’ve squirreled away all this stuff.

Step 2: Buy fresh produce (I don’t give a shit if it’s organic). Buy the shit that someone has to grow. Buy it often. Learn how to discern between what’s good, not yet ripe, what’s too expensive, etc. Figure out how to pickle and preserve.

Step 3: Read a lot of recipes. Watch a lot of demo videos. Listen to a lot of peoples’ mistakes in the kitchen. Then, take all of that info, mash it into your brain and strain out something else. I’m not saying it has to be good; to me, this is the trial-and-error process of making your own shit.

Step 4: Quit being so fucking scared, pussy. It’s just food. Try new things, even if it’s disgusting. You won’t make that mistake a second time, right? (Well, you might, but it’s chill.) It’s not like you’re never going to eat any and all pasta again if your spaghetti bolognese tastes like feet. Back to the drawing board. Then again, always be afraid of salmonella poisoning. Take it from someone who has given it to herself (what a fucking moron).

Step 4.5: While you’re at it? Stop saying, “I can’t cook!” like a whiny bitch. Everyone can do it. It takes practice. Have you ever run a marathon? Me neither. But if you have, did you just show up to the race and bust out 26.2 miles without training, shin splints, bloody chaffed nipples, etc.? Haaaail no. Like any skill, you have to put the effort into it.)

Step 5: Just. Fucking. Cook. Already.

Here! Try this. I made it up one time when I was broke and it’s forever grubbin’.

Broke Bitch Noodles, by yours truly (written in the style of “idk, you’ll just figure it out, kid”)

Ingredients:

• veggie oil
• a handful of fresh Asian style noodles but I don’t know how big your hands are (or dried, whatever)
• handful of whatever protein you like (the OG recipe calls for tofu because hi, this is called a #brokebitchmeal, but you can do whatever you want)
• tablespoon-ish of fresh grated ginger (use the cheese grater, man)
• tablespoon-esque of fresh grated garlic
• up-to-you amount of hot chili oil, but I like to sweat when I eat so (it may or may not have the seeds in it, it doesn’t fucking matter, but I don’t trust that shit without seeds)
• 3/4 kinda cup of soy sauce
• 1/2 so-so cup of rice wine vinegar
• bloop-bloop-blll of fish sauce (DO NOT BREAK THIS BOTTLE. This will make you want to avoid your kitchen for all eternity.)
• driiiiiip-drip of sesame oil (you can get fancy and get ‘toasted’ sesame oil or whatever, just make sure you have it)
• two ketchup bottle hand pounds of oyster sauce (you know the fuck I’m saying, man)
• 5–6 vigorous shakes of white pepper (yes, white)
• pinch of sugar (this is the most infuriating recipe instruction to me, but yes, pinch your digits around some sugar and throw it in there when I tell you to)
• handful (using that hand again!) of carrots, made into ribbons via vegetable peeler
• a little less than a handful of red onion, thinly sliced in half moons (watch some videos if you’re unsure. I don’t have time to film myself doing this and also, that sounds boring)
• half to 3/4 handful of raw hot peppers (jalapeños, serranos, Thai, bird’s eye, IDGAF), thinly sliced or minced (I don’t know how you roll, so this can be optional)
• 1 lime (this is about as specific as I get)
• however much chopped cilantro you want because it’s delicious and fresh and yeah, I put a lot in there

Equipment: wok (or a large saucepan, if you ain’t Asian enough for that) and a medium pot

Steps:

1. Boil water in the pot. I don’t really know how much water? Just enough so that the noodles won’t be sticking out when you put them in, JFC. Add noodles when at a roiling boil. Strain when you taste a noodle and it’s still chewy, but not raw, but definitely not mushy. Some fun people call this al dente, but I just say “fuck, you know, when it’s ready?” You might fuck this up, but that’s okay. I don’t want to give you a time frame and have you write hate comments about how I ruined your noodle experience because I was off by a fucking minute. It’s your food, homie. Set that shit aside, toss with a smidge of veggie oil (careful: it’s hot, dummy).
2. Bust out that wok you bought just to make this dish and add veggie oil to the pan, to coat plus a glug-glug more. Heat that shit up on medium-high and don’t get splattered on and cry.
3. Add ginger, garlic, and chili oil (those seeds!). I’m gonna get annoying and Rachael Ray on your asses and make up a word: stirl. Like “swirl” and “stir”. Stirl until you’re like, “Damn, that smells kinda good.”
4. Throw in your protein (my tofu) and cook until done (or incorporated, if using tofu). Stirl.
5. I’m gonna make you scroll up: add ingredients starting from soy sauce through sugar to the wok. Stirl that shit good.
6. Add onions and carrots (peppers, too, if you’re down); stirl again. Let this all just hang out for a couple minutes.
7. GET YO NOODLES, BOY/GIRL! Toss them in there with the rest of the pals and stirl some more! Make sure the sauce is hugging all those bitches.
8. Turn off the heat. You’re almost there. Squeeze the fuck out of that lime all over and sprankle that cilantro. Tosstosstoss.

YOU’RE DONE. This sounds like it takes 90 minutes to make, but I’ve done this within 20 minutes. And it is Cheap. As. Fuck.

If you hate it, I couldn’t care less.

From my broke-ass, half-sized kitchen to yours: XOXO!