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10 Foods that Should Not Exist

Foods We Don't Know Why People Eat

1. Celery

The smell is like wet dog mixed with wet grass and the texture is essentially Satan’s string cheese. The taste is like water, but, like, you know, bad water.

2. Boiled Eggs

I may be biased since eggs in any form are absolutely nauseating to me, but when you boil them they become a complete abomination. They emit a scent reminiscent of sulfur. The odors of rotten and boiled eggs are identical. Anyone who starts cracking one open near me is a public menace.

3. Guacamole

This is quite an unpopular opinion. Not only does it seem as though people like it a lot, but they’re obsessed with it. I mean, the taste is objectively fine, but there is nothing appealing to me about a cold and lumpy mess of green glop upon a perfectly harmless burrito. Also, even though it’s just mashed up avocados with some seasoning, restaurants feel the need to charge more for it.

4. Quiche

Like I said earlier, eggs are a big nope for me. So a literal egg pie isn’t gonna fly around here. Except, like, right into the garbage, I guess. And spinach? I mean, if it’s cold it’s fine, but all warm and soggy… need I say more?

5. Bleu Cheese

It’s literally moldy cheese. You pull anything out of your fridge and you see mold, it goes in the garbage faster than pretentious kids can eat avocado toast (obvious how I feel about that one, putting it on the list seems like cheating). So why the bloody hell is already-nasty cheese an exception? I remember having to clean out the fridge at one of my old jobs and seeing an old bottle that someone had put in with a label identifying it as “chunky bleu cheese dressing” and not being able to comprehend how someone’s soul could be that rotten and filled with hatred.

6. Ranch Dressing

Another extremely popular one. I don’t even mind this one on very rare occasions. But memories of a high school lunchroom with two colossal tanks of the stuff at its helm are enough to make me think otherwise. The reek of it that filled the air in the already-putrefying building, the sight of it dripping off of literally everything edible, whether it be awful pizza, soggy fries or mystery meat sandwiches on stale wheat bread… not to mention people’s disgusting mouths. We just don’t need that at all.

7. Potato Salad

“But you haven’t tried my potato salad.” I can tell you that I have seen the face of cold potatoes and mayonnaise, and there wasn’t anything pretty about it. The only reason mayonnaise isn’t on the list is because I enjoy the occasional tuna sandwich. Potatoes go in a pot or in the oven, and not in a bowl full of mayonnaise and cold pasta and whatever else you want to waste, and no, you/your mom/your grandma/whoever will not make me change my mind.

8. Sour Cream

I am not sure how this particular atrocity came to be omnipresent in the world of Americanized Mexican cuisine, something that is otherwise quite wonderful. I mean, I suppose I can understand the guacamole thing since as far as I know it’s an actual Mexican food and made with spices and such. But who looks at a nice arrangement of meat, spices, and vegetables and thinks it needs a double-helping of, well, what you see when you open a container of sour cream after you scoop it out of that liquid stuff that’s always in there, that is? Also, what happens to it as soon as you try to wash it down the sink is just… unnatural. Keep it away from me.

9. Mushroom

I don’t know about all y’all, but I’m not a massive proponent of the same stuff I rake out of people’s lawns and flower beds at work on my pizza, burgers or anything else that goes in my mouth, or anywhere other than the mulch pile. Mushrooms are fungi, not food. So is mold, so maybe it’s the bleu cheese offenders behind this one, too.

10. Artichoke Hearts

I don’t think I’m the only one here. So many times I’ve bitten into a sandwich seeing something that looks like a piece of chicken, but alas, it was not. Oh, the horror. The reason people consume such vile creations is that they’ve been deceived. So let’s all make the world a better place and just not.

This article is all in good fun. People may enjoy the things they like with no judgment—except artichoke hearts, that is never okay. This was written by my boyfriend. 

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