A Kale Recipe for People Who Hate Kale

When I’m not drinking wine and smoking the occasional nineteen cigarettes, I consider myself to be somewhat of a health nut. So when I became aware of the health benefits of kale, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon. That was, until, I ate a piece and instantly projectile vomited onto the rug like a cat with a hairball.

Let’s face it—eaten alone, kale tastes like a cross between the bitter tears of starving babies and the loss of all will to live. This is especially problematic seeing that it’s also one of the healthiest foods a person can eat. Kale is not only an anti-inflammatory and full of antioxidants, but it also detoxifies the body, provides heart support, and prevents cancer, just to name a few benefits. However, if you think kale tastes so rough that you would rather just take your chances with the cancer, then listen up—there’s hope after all.

When I first began eating kale, I too wanted to impale myself on a pair of rusty scissors. I couldn’t understand how anyone could consider it fit for human consumption. I’ve met rabbits who unfriended me at the mere suggestion of eating kale. But being a stubborn old bitch, and considering the fact that kale is so good for us, I decided to find a way to like the devil’s veggie.

After much experimentation and many tears shed, I finally cracked the kale code. I’ve found many recipes online that passed for edible, but I wanted delicious. I wanted to want it. I wanted to think about it in my sleep. I wanted to choose it over pizza. I wanted it to be my comfort food. I wanted people to make fun of me for loving the unlovable.

These days, not only do I like it, but I do love it, and this kale salad has turned out to be something I eat daily. It’s so good, in fact, that I’ve heard carnivorous bikers and men made out of meat and potatoes singing its praises.

I was recently invited to a barbecue by a giant, corn-fed Texas fella, who insisted that if I come I better bring that “badass kale shit” with me. If that not a powerful testimonial, I don’t know what is. So if you’re anything like me, and your relationship with kale has been toxic, hurtful, and full of regrets, keep reading. The only regret you’ll have is that you didn’t have this recipe sooner.

You’ll need this stuff:

• Bag of organic kale (may not be substituted with pepperoni)
• Grated parmesan cheese (6 oz. bag)
• Cucumber (1)
• Lemon juice of one lemon
• Extra Virgin olive oil (1/2 cup minimum)
• Sea salt (preferably Himalayan)

Now do this stuff:

• Chop the kale leaves down pretty fine, leaving out big stems. You must chop the kale small to maximize the possibility of not tasting it.
• Peel and chop the cucumber down fine as well.
• Mix the kale, cucumber, and parmesan cheese together in a big mixing bowl.
• Add olive oil and lemon juice and mix until all the kale is completely saturated with liquid. You may need more than ½ cup olive oil. When I say completely saturated, I mean where every little leaf is glistening with an oily substance reminiscent of the way pizza glows under the lamp at CiCis.
• Sea salt to taste. For additional awesomeness, you may also add red pepper or cracked black pepper.

Now it’s time to stuff it all back into a sealable container, chill for an hour and enjoy all week long!

That’s it. Sounds simple, but this recipe alone has prevented thousands of senseless kale-induced deaths worldwide, so put the scissors down and give it a try. Enjoy!